Losing It

O.K, so I lost it this evening, I stood in the utility room with its broken, flashing on and off fluorescent light and howled so much that my tears trailed down my face in mascara stained streaks.

I lost it over a Tupperware container of soup.

My friends are incredible, over the course of the last few weeks, food has been arriving regularly to our house. I have hardly cooked a meal in the last four and a half months. I have to match my desire to cook with my inability-( its hard to cook on two crutches) and feed my frustration by watching the UK TV Food channel for at least two hours a day!

Anyhow this evening, after two deliveries of meals and one of soup, I decided to put it all away. Poor David had slumped in an exhausted heap on the couch and was definitely not ready to tidy up from supper, but the piles of foil dishes mounting up in the kitchen were irritating me so I decided to take matters in hand. I started in the fridge. Why is it that people are so useless at organising fridges. Its quite simple, in my fridge, dairy items goon the top shelf, jars and bottles on the next, prepared food on the next, fruit on the next and veg below. In the the left drawer are apples, pears and plums and the right contains citrus fruit. The shelf below contains cucumbers, celery and things like peppers, chili and ginger. The shelves contain eggs, milk, random sauces and milk. Not exactly rocket science. So why is it only me who gets it? Why is nobody else able to put items in their correct positions?

So of course I reorganised the fridge, nor a clever thing to do, I'll admit but I couldn't stand it! Then, already in pain I tried to carry various items to the freezer in the utility room. I couldn't even carry a foil dish filled with spaghetti bolognese! So David had to help me and then realised what disorder my freezer is in. I don't know what I've got and there's so much stuffed in there already. I tried reorganising a few shelves, tried to pick up a rigid Tupperware container filled with soup.. and couldn't, and dropped it. This triggered David into yelling at me and me to start crying, tears of total frustration and helplessness.

David can't bear it when I cry, he just can't deal with it. He can't deal with my situation and he can't cope with me. It's as if he too is suffering from my failing back and its just too much for him, I know that. My back hurts us. When he can't cope he goes into denial, and when I cry or am in pain, he sends me to bed, because if I am up here in our room, where he can't see me, he can watch T.V and block it out. I feel rejected, he can't comfort me, he's happier when I put on the brave face, the courageous face, the smiley face, the face most people see. I feel shut out, alone, I have to deal with this myself.. I have started to put on weight after all these weeks of resting, and now for no reason feel fat, ugly and rejected. I am sick of this story, I am sick of telling my tale, I am sick of having to give status updates every day, I am sick of having to be patient and having to wait this out, I want my life back.