Back Story

The story so far...
Woke up Jan 5th with sciatica, thought nothing of it and went to gym
Jan 6, 7- pain got worse
Jan 8 went to GP who diagnosed...SCIATICA and referred me for physio
Jan 9, physio diagnosed prolapsed disc, told me to rest...
rested and rested but pain got worse
Got referred to Neurosurgeon 1 who sent me for MRI. Which showed a deteriorated disc in L5/S1 and a grade 1/2 spondylolisthesis (slipped vertebrae) in L5/S1.
Feb 2 Had caudal epidural
Had good 2 /3 weeks, with physio, but then pain came back so was referred to Neurosurgeon 2.
Mar 24 -sent for dynamic X rays of my back which showed slip had worsened. Was also prescribed Gapapentin for the neuropathic pain.
April 6th Consultant changed Gapapentin to Pregabalin because it brought no pain relief and made me feel spaced out. Agreed to another epidural, on May 1st. While I waited for the epidural the pain in my leg got steadily worse until I was dragging my leg and needed two crutches and eventually, a wheelchair.
May 1st- had the epidural and when I came round from the sedation, found that my legs were numb from the waist down. This didn't wear off for six hours and only then was I allowed home.
Its now my 10th and I'm waiting to see if the epidural has long lasting effects, otherwise I'm going to need a fusion, which is a major operation.

I'm trying so hard to be optimistic and hope that in 6 weeks I will be back to normal but its been four months since things were normal and I've forgotten what it feels like. I suppose what I should expect is a slow, steady improvement and no or little significant pain. But I've lost my confidence in my functionality. Four months is a long time to be so inactive and not so out there like I was.

What have I learned so far

1. To be patient, with myself and others.
2. To accept that I am not in control
3. To accept that the world carry's on its business without me actively in it.
4. Have tried to develop empathy for others who are disabled in any way.

I am so fed up of telling my story over and over again I think it may help to write this blog and take my frustration out here rather than on people.

I have such strange feelings. Surely if this is going to work and I am going to get better, I would know it in my guts, I would be excited about tomorrow and the progress I will make and my slow return to normality. But I don't, I wait for the pain to return. Why don't feel optimistic? Shouldn't I be optimistic?